How do you look at this glass? Do you see it half-full? Or half-empty?
Sometimes that is how we look at "boundaries". Depending on our situation or perspective, we can see it as something limiting (taken both ways) or to a broader sense something defining extent.
For a few years now I have been doing the "WORD for the Year". I have found it helpful in focusing more on my goal for the whole year. In the past I have chosen words like- cultivate, praying more, intentional and rest. How about you do you choose a word that can motivate or encourage you for the whole year?
This 2023, it was a very obvious choice for me. When your years past have been nothing but a bit chaotic, filled to the brim, exhausting, at the same time having family members shouting for some attention (which is most of the time when you have a teenager at home), work's asking more from you than what you are already doing, never ending runs from one errand to another, your own body begging for some TIME OUT! The next best thing is to set "good boundaries" for a healthier life going forward.
I am also learning to prioritize rest in my everyday life, to be able to learn to slow down and really have a day to the Lord. It is still a work in progress but then I realize that setting good boundaries this year is a step forward to help me be intentional with my rest and hoping that I can really cultivate the spiritual discipline of fasting and feasting with the Lord.
To begin with, let us look at what the word BOUNDARY means.
It is a noun defined in the Merriam Webster Dictionary as "something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent". Have you been to a construction site for new communities? If so, you might have noticed or seen those markers, lines and strings all around each designated piece of land dividing them to smaller plots where each new houses are marked and assigned? Those markers dividing them into smaller plots are boundaries. When these houses are built, the fence around it can be the physical and more visible representation of boundaries. Thus indicate the extent of the land you get to own once you buy that particular property.
An everyday example of boundaries we have is the credit limit assigned to our credit card spending; or the withdrawal or transfer limit per day that we have in our checking accounts, and even the passwords we set up for so many different things to keep them secured. These examples are boundaries, good boundaries. We set them so we can be safe, feel secured and keep our transactions private.
According to Lysa Terkeurst, on her new book and Bible study called "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes", appropriate boundaries are like "distinction lines with gates that opens and closes". She pointed this out through an illustration of castles - that boundaries are not just "walls" on the castles put up to prevent someone from coming in or invading you. Even the strongest fortress have gates and watchtower that gives you access to go in an out, but at the same time protect you by limiting full and wide access. I just love that illustration of boundaries. I also learn from this study that with setting boundaries we need to consider three things such as - (1) access; (2) responsibility; and (3) consequences. For those people and things we will set boundaries with, giving them a certain level of access means that there is that same level of responsibility for them and if boundaries are violated there is always consequence to be expected.
"Should you not fear me?” declares the LORD. “Should you not tremble in my presence? I made the sand a boundary for the sea, an everlasting barrier it cannot cross. The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail; they may roar, but they cannot cross it." - Jeremiah 5:22 NIV
There are a few Bible stories that teaches us about boundaries. The story of creation where God uses boundaries or separations to create this most beautiful world for us to enjoy. God created heaven and earth, separated water and land. distinction between lights for day and night and also "..there was evening and there was morning..." (Genesis 1-2) All these things were boundaries God set himself for our good and comfort, ultimately for His glory. "
According to Bible teachers, the first lesson on boundary was seen in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. "The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” (Genesis 2:15-17). As we all know what happened next in chapter 3, Adam and Eve surely sinned against God when they listened to the serpent and directly went beyond the limits given them. This falling out led to a great consequence for both man and woman as we read in Genesis 3:14-19. So we see man was given full access to the garden by God, they were free to roam and to enjoy everything there is ("You may surely eat of every tree of the garden"). They were given as much responsibility with their access ("put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it"). Boundary was set out by God himself ("but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat,"). Take note, once they stepped over the boundary given to them they faced the consequence of the decision they made (f"or in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die"), and that is being sent out of the garden because of the fall of man to sin.
Another story of boundaries that I have learned lately from our church's sermon series is from Exodus 19, on this chapter we see how the LORD set boundaries for His people's safety. When God asked Moses to prepare His people because He wanted to meet with them, He left strict instructions for the nation of Israel. They were -
to consecrate themselves three days before meeting with the LORD God (v.12a)
to set limits for the people all around, that is not to go up the mountain or merely touch the edge of it (v. 12b)
So God wanted to give Israel access to know Him more intimately, for them to feel and hear His presence, to build this relationship with His chosen people. With this great holy access to be in the presence of the LORD God, they have responsibilities as great as their access. The instructions were clear. Anybody who will not follow these will face the consequence of immediate death. So limits and boundaries were set to protect God's people and to keep them safe.
"As we learn our limits, we abandon the impulse to manage time and, instead, embrace the hours as a gift." - Jen Pollock Michel, "In Good Time"
Boundaries in our personal life is much the same. We create boundaries for protection. At the very beginning of this blog I mentioned that depending on our situation or perspective we can look at boundaries two ways - (1) as something that fixes a limit; or (2) indicates extent. Is there a difference to that?
Here's my perspective ...
...that it is "something that fixes a limit"
At times it may sound very limiting, negativity reeks around this phrase. Most of us do not like to be restricted, being boxed or for some get their hands tied up. That is exactly how boundaries might feel sometimes. If we look at it closely, setting boundaries is a safety net for both parties. It keeps one from being hurt or preventing the other from hurting. Like farm fences it keeps the farm animals within its premises so it does not wander off beyond their boundaries and get lost. In life, it is like choosing friends, some of us have those best friends forever (BFFs), then we have those childhood friends, school/work friends (colleague) or church community. We assign our friends different levels of access to us, and those that become a bad influence or the ones that hurt us, we forego. A chosen few of our close friends know details about us. To some we only mingle with matters that concern work or school. And for the closest kind, they are the ones we ran to for things too personal or confidential. We make those choices of who to let in or keep out of our personal lives, and that is setting good boundaries. And when those limits are crossed then consequence follows.
...that it "indicates extent"
Now scope and extent sounds way better doesn't it? It feels more, seems wider, something where you can grasp as much as you want. Looking at how much space you can move around, form point A to point B with things you can control. Have you heard of a virtual dog fence? They have this new technology for dog collars wherein you can set the boundaries or "keep out zones" where you don't want them to roam. This new device can apparently give you the most reliable fence boundary (even without the physical fence). One ad even say "more freedom for your dog, and more peace of mind for you" ... until they step out of the assigned zone or push their luck to the limits, some of these devices give the dog a little shock or the collar tightens around the neck. The device can give them freedom but when they roam farther than the boundary set, they will feel the consequence. Maybe we all need one of those to be reminded sometimes? (just a thought!)
But really why do we need boundaries in our lives? Do we all need some sort of boundaries? What good can it do to improve one's life?
This year, I read this wonderful book called "Liturgy of the Ordinary" by Tish Harrison Warren. One chapter I love the most talked about rest and boundaries. Here's one of my best takeaway - "...slow down to enjoy the beauty around me". She talked a lot about how we should practice noticing, savoring, and reveling at the things around us. You know the saying "take time to smell the flowers"? That's exactly what it is. Rest is a practice too, and that is one thing I have been wanting to add to my everyday "ordinary" and so I am trying to put boundaries in things and people around me so I can have time intentionally for rest.
Rest is a spiritual discipline, a rhythm that is so hard for me to include in my daily life. When your life is ruled by doing, gaining, accomplishing, or achieving then it will be very hard to find time to rest. Unless you are willing to sacrifice things and set boundaries in order to have some time off, rest can be next to impossible. If rest is a practice, then one will have to keep doing it over and over again until it becomes a part of one's daily rhythm.
With proper boundaries set, one can manage time well. Time management can also be a downfall for our boundaries if we let it rule our lives. Proper time management can give us rest and time of refreshing. Jen Pollock Michel said it well from her book "In Good Time" that "As we learn our limits, we abandon the impulse to manage time and, instead, embrace the hours as a gift." It can also allow us to have more time for more important things (than planning our life all day long) like family and friends, time with your community to be encouraged or simply a personal time with the Lord. We can enjoy life more and be happier as we "embrace the hours as a gift".
We all try to set aside a time for every areas of our lives. Some things need more time and attention than the others. We have schedules to follow. We draw plans and use time management to make things work especially if we have a lot on our plate. Boundaries can help us attend to many important things. If we make time, dedicated time, maximized quality time over quantity can probably be the best we can offer. Of course there are times when we can not fully adhere to that because life happens, and so we just give it our best shot. Boundaries is not just applicable to guarded time, we should also think of prioritizing the activities we plan and agree to as well as the people we give access to. We can either be a jack of all trades or a master of none.
I have a confession to make. It is quite hard for me to say NO to people when asked for help to the point that sometimes I give up all my time just for the sake of it. When I do things for people, I put in and give everything I can..and at times it can become draining and tiring. I am not saying helping out or volunteering is not good, we just need to know how much our physical body's limit is and what time we have in our hands. You can only offer and do so much for your friends. And this is why we need good boundaries so we can protect ourselves, our precious time, our treasured relationships, our sensitive emotions and our much needed time of rest too. That truth still applies we can not please everyone.
Boundaries can also help balance our lives. Just for curiosity's sake let me ask you this question: what is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Let me guess, most of us will say "check my cellphone"! I have learned not to until I have done my Bible reading for the day. Mind you, I have not perfected that, but I try everyday. One good boundary on devices I learned from John Mark Comer (author of "The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry") is to turn OFF all notifications from my phone. It has its down side, sure! But compared to the blessing of not being enslaved by the constant beeping or lighting up of your phone with non-stop notifications, it is all worth it. I heard a speaker say something like "she's not a doctor anyway" so there is nothing life-threatening for her to attend to or answer back even after 24 hours, thus she chooses to turn her phone off (mind you not just the notifications). Those are very simple examples of boundaries but they can be life changing parameters. Imagine the time you spend on social media once you start browsing, think about what else you could have done during that time.
Like fences or walls, good boundaries can protect us from bad relationships whether that is work-based, long time friendships, familial or community. Sometimes there are people that are tied to our everyday life who sometimes take advantage of us. They can sometimes become toxic in our existence and it may hurt to let them go but we need to sacrifice such, otherwise we will just suffer. If we also want our boundaries to work then we need to adhere to it.
I think most of all, we need to set good boundaries so that we can love GOD more and others better. Come to think of it, Jesus left us with these words: "Jesus declared, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40 BSB). Once we have boundaries with our valued time, balance with work and rest, limits to how much effort we put in offering our help or accepting it, and maybe just trying to receive God's gift as they come..then I am hoping that we can intentionally set aside time to be with God through the reading and study of His Word, we can offer ourselves more in serving our community and be more with our Father through praying.
"Boundaries are not just a good idea. They are a GOD idea." -Lysa Terkeurst, "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes"
Here's what I learned from setting good boundaries.
Define the relationship. In setting good boundaries with others, we need to be clear with them what our relationship is and what it entails (and what it does not). Remember that the level of access has to match the level of responsibility we give them. We also have to be clear that if that boundary is violated then consequences are to be expected.
Sticking to it. Practice makes perfect. So if we keep on practicing setting good boundaries in the different areas of our lives, then it becomes natural for us. It becomes a habit. A good rhythm for our lives.
Sacrificing a bit. Time might come when you have to make a hard decision because of the good boundaries you have set. Be ready to sacrifice a bit, let go of someone or something especially if they have gone over the mark.
How do you look at the glass of water on the picture above? Did it change you view boundaries now? Is it something positive that can improve your life so you can spend more quality time with God? Or is it still something vague for you to consider? Boundaries can feel limiting at times, but if it is something that can improve your relationship with the Lord and develop your well-being then why not give it a go. "Boundaries are not just a good idea. They are a God idea." (Lysa Terkeurst, "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes)
BE BLESSED!
/deeEND/